Just Until Sundown
by WP
Summary: TW set after dead things. Tara tries to deal with her decision.


A/N: Hey Hey, It's a T/W fic. Set after dead things. Hopefully you'll all enjoy it, let me know. Oh, the awesome song is by further seems forever.  
  
[B]Just Until Sundown[/B]  
  
[I]Spent too many hours holding up walls  
  
standing in corners and clenching my jaw  
  
watching you watching the ones that I wanted to be.[/I]  
  
Her eyes have lost their light, their spark. They don't make me feel safe and complete anymore, just sad and lost. She's sad and lost.   
  
I think my heart is breaking all over again.   
  
Why does this happen everytime I see her? I'm addicted to this pain like she's addicted to the magicks.  
  
I sat in the espresso pump, knowing you'd pass just to see your face, your hair, your auroa.   
  
I had to make sure you were still living, still going on with your life, I wasn't but you... you had to, your too spcial to just waste your life.   
  
All those nights at the Bonze I watched you. Dawn always told me when you'd be there, she was just trying to get us back together and she thought I never went, but I did, everytime I did, but I made sure I was never seen.   
  
I hid and watched with your friends, with Buffy, Xander, Anya, even Amy and I hated everyone of them for being with you, talking to you. I'd never felt so jealous.   
  
I picture walking up to you. Running my hand through your soft hair, kissing you. I've almost forgotten what you taste like. What it feels like to get lost in your embrace, in the warmth and the love. Every night is cold and lonely without your love.   
  
[I]Just because you said what you wanted  
  
doesn't make it right.  
  
Just because the moment was heated  
  
doesn't mean that I wanted to fight.  
  
And even though I saw your anger  
  
even though I saw your face  
  
the words that you cited were chosen  
  
not fate, not spoken in haste.[/I]  
  
I can't move. I'm so scared you'll just walk away, turn your back on me again, I couldn't take that pain again. Your my soulmate, losing you is the worst thing that can happen, it made my world cruble and rot.   
  
When I see your eyes, so soft and inviting, I'm pulled back to that night. The pain in my heart hasn't stopped since you said those hurting words.  
  
They were true though, that was sting, that I knew they were all true.   
  
You'd planned them, ran over the arguement in your head before, it was obvious, you weren't unsure of what and how to say what you felt, how I was abusing the magicks and you.   
  
You were angry, more angry than I had seen you.   
  
There was a fire in your eyes but your face... sadness and disgust and I see that face very night as I lay in bed trying to sleep but never managing because your not beside me. Because your out there somewhere hating me for what I've done to us.  
  
But you could never hate me as much as I hate myself.   
  
That's why I hold back my screaming desire to run to you, to tell you how sorry I am and explain it all. That's why I let you go with a simple goodbye. To save you from me, you deserve better.   
  
Your a goddess and I'm a junkie.   
  
So, I'll keep playing your words over in my head, to make sure you are safe from me.  
  
[I]Blaming this all on the moment  
  
blaming this all on my views  
  
blaming the mood of the music  
  
blaming it all on you.  
  
All on you and me.[/I]  
  
I walked down the ally to the entrance of the Bronz, smiled at Johnny the doorman and went inside.   
  
I needed a drink. Not something I'd normally say but tonight is an exception.   
  
Buffy confidded in me. I don't think she meant to but she did and it was heart breaking. She's been sleeping with Spike so she can feel. She actually believed she'd come back wrong, or she wanted to so she could use it as a reason why she was sleeping with her arch nemisis.  
  
Don't get me wrong, Spike has never seemed so bad to me, I quite like him but he's a vampire, soulless.  
  
Now, I have this huge secret to keep. Won't be hard, who can I tell? Miss Kitty? And now the bitterness sets in.  
  
I ordered a beer. Not in the mood for anything fancy, just somthing to take away the control a little.  
  
There's a band on. Turning round I read the sign behind them, Further Seems Forever. Tell me about it.   
  
Each day seems to last an eternity. I guess being alone does that. Slows down your perception of time to make it almost unbearable.   
  
They're a band of 6 strong looking guys with plenty of instruments but they make the softess music when they want. But they can go off too. I watch as the singer screams out his pain, brought on by a girl no less.   
  
Now they're on another slow and calm one.   
  
"I am rejection." He sings. I'm beginning to feel I have alot in common with this guy.   
  
"I am redemption." If only I could be.   
  
"H-hey."   
  
I tore my stare from the dregs of my beer and looked up into the eyes of redemptee. I felt my insides crumble. Not now, I couldn't tell with her now. I know how it'd end.   
  
My resolve is gone, the promises I made to myself for her sake... they didn't exsist anymore.  
  
All becuase I get over emotional at some stupid song. For a month I'd been doing ok, I'd been surviving on my own and its all about to end.   
  
"Tara? Are you ok?" She asks with her deeply concerned expression. The expression that makes me want to get rid of it, anyway I can.   
  
"I can't." I choke out as I got up and quickly walked towards the door. I get out into the ally and the cold air greets me, for a second I think it's going to be ok. That I'll get to my dorm, and curl up in the darkness and wait for daylight to chase away my demons.   
  
But that'd be too simple.  
  
Willow's voice cut through the dark, silent night. "Tara!" She jogged towards me, half way up the ally. "What did I do? I... I though we could talk now, you know? be in the same area and be civil? If I done something can you tell me? I don't want you to run away everytime I'm near you."  
  
"You didn't do anything!" I shout to cut off her babble. She's panicing, I made her scared, made her think she had done something. She pobably thought she done magic without knowing. How could I be so cruel?  
  
"What's wrong?" She asks with fear and vulnerability in her green eyes.   
  
I'm tearing up and I know it but fighting it back won't work. I can feel my emotions changing and shifting, not knowng what to make me feel.   
  
"This is your fault!" I errupt.  
  
She steps back, like I'd just punched her in the gut. I feel like I've just stabbed her in the heart.   
  
"You think I don't know that?" Oh god, I can hear the pain in her words.  
  
I turn and walk to the wall on my right. I lean my head against the cool brick, hands up against it, fists clenched. I try to take one of those 'calming breaths' but all it does is take away my last ounce of control.   
  
"You do know it and its killing me! You never blamed me. You never came to me and told me I was doing the wrong thing! You never hated me! Why didn't you hate me?? It was just as much my fault! I let you get so far, I never spoke up! I never sat down and explained it all to you in the first place, stop blaming yourself and blame the one who let you down! I was meant to be your anchor but I was no use! Why did you pick me? Why the weak one? Why not someone strong?!" I raged.   
  
My face was scarlet, my eyes were blurred through the tears starting to pool in the corners. Although the pain in my heart and soul was still searing, I felt a metaphorical weight lifted. I had always kept these thoughts in the very back of my mind, trying to make myself believe they weren't real but saying... screaming them to the very person I'd needed all along was so theraputic.   
  
Willow was just standing these, deadly still. Her eyes were swimming with confusion. "Because your the one I love." She whispered as a small sob escaped.   
  
Our bodies both moved towards each other at the same moment. Then came the immediate and inevitable kiss.  
  
[I]Well just for the moment, just one more time  
  
just one more second and we'll be just fine  
  
this could be just, just in case it's the last time.  
  
This could be the last time.[/I]  
  
She's kissing me. Oh god, she's kissing me. She tastes like vanilla still. The salt of our mixing tears is there as well as the slight taste of beer. My heart hurts so much. I'm kissing my soulmate and i'm so in love with her I think it might cause my heart to explode.  
  
The kiss is deepening, her tongue is re-exploring my mouth. Is this right? I want it so much but... she said so much. She's hurting and she's trying to make it go away by bringing us together again.   
  
Maybe, this is what we both need, the final step in the healing process. Or maybe it's the worst possible move. What if this is her goodbye, her closure?   
  
And so what if this was the last goodbye. At least I'll always have this. Her lips on mine. My hands lost in her silky hair. The feeling of her arms wrapped tight around my body.  
  
So, I keep kissing her, neither of us bother about air. I know if there was one way I'd want to die, it would be this way.   
  
[I]Just until sundown, just one more day  
  
I could hold you.  
  
Just until sundown, just one more day  
  
I would hold you without you pushing me away.[/I]  
  
I could hear footsteps and voices. Stares on my back. I didn't care. None of that mattered or exsisted as long as Willow was in my arms.   
  
I don't think I'd ever experienced anything like it. Everything melted away. Only she and I were there, were what mattered.   
  
There was no time, there were no demons or troubles, there were no other people. Only us and our own pain and healing.   
  
It was our clarity and only ours.  
  
We were one as we stood there kissing. Each second we became physically and emotionally closer. Our feelings were mingling and the love was astonishing.   
  
Then... There was light. It warmed our chilled skins but could never give us anymore heat inside.   
  
We slowly started to calm the kiss, to pull away but our arms stayed firmly locked around each other.  
  
"When did morning happen?" Willow asked breathlessly.   
  
I found some happiness spring in me, "When the moon went down."  
  
"The moon should never go down on nights like that." She said with so little confidence it stung.  
  
I raised my hand to her cheek and touched her smooth skin. She flinched.  
  
"You don't need to be scared of me."  
  
She met my eyes for only a second. "It's not you I'm scared of."  
  
[I]All on you and me.[/I]  
  
"You aren't alone anymore. Do you trust yourself?" She asked me.   
  
I answered truthfully. "No."  
  
"Do you trust me?"  
  
"Of course."   
  
"Then don't be afraid of the magicks or yourself. I'll be your anchor this time. I'll be your safety." 


End file.
